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STAR TREK ~ The Final Thing-A-Majig

Space: the final thingy-wotsit. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before and to return quickly because we forgot to lock the backdoor.

Capt Kirk: Chekov, your move.


Chekov: You vish! Captain, you are still in czheck.

Sulu: Captain, something's just come up on the screen.

And it doesn't look very nice.

Capt Kirk: We will have to call it a draw, Chekov. Phew; lucky again.

Kirk: Sulu, what's our position?

Sulu: We are in the shit, Captain.

Kirk: I thought that was just Spock's aftershave lotion I could smell.

Kirk: Dr McCoy, are you the real McCoy?

McCoy: Jim, I think you had better call in for a check up soon, recently you haven't been quite .....

Kirk: Sulu, what's our position?

Sulu: It's still smelly.

Chekov: Captain, the commander of the Alien Sheep is on the screen .....

Alien Commander: We have you trapped, Star Ship Enterprise. Now, we will read you some delightful Vogon Poetry! Hee hee.... enjoy!

Kirk: Alien Commander, aren't you in the wrong media? Shouldn't you be in The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy?

Kirk (whispering): Quick, Spock, stand here and listen to the Vogon Poetry. You don't seem to have human emotions, so you may be able to survive terrible poetry.

Kirk: Scotty, when I give you the word, I want you to put everything we've got into the West Sirian Mutual Investment Company. My brother owns 90% of the shares in Sirian Mutual.

Scotty: Aye, aye, Captain. But I don't know if the canteen's Piggy Bank can take the strain. Remember when you sent me out for Pizza for 3,242 people the other night .....

Kirk: Sulu, what's our position now?

Sulu: The Alien Sheep has the Enterprise in a tractor beam, and has sown a field of rapid-growing exploding Asparagus around the Enterprise.

Kirk: Uhura, what time is it?

Uhura: Time for tea and biscuits in about ten minutes, Capitan.

Kirk: Miss Moneypenny?

Moneypenny: Yesss, James?

Kirk: Are you busy this weekend?

Moneypenny: No, James!

Kirk: Good. Excellent. Buy two tickets to the Bahamas.


~~~~~~~~~~
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......

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Meanwhile on a Far, Distant Planet, on the Edge of Sanity .......

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Hey, Broken Nose, play dee Piana

I ain't got kno brokken node!!

KRUNCHY-CROCK-BANGY

Plink a Plonk ... Plink a Plonk ... Plink a Plonk

( ..... Incongrotequesly we hear strains of Beethoven's Pastoral Chrysanthemum .... )

Chrysthingamebob? You sure? Nedd?

I'll just check, Bloddy ...... >>>>

..... clop, clop, clop, clop, cloppity-clop ... CLOP

.... bing .... BANG!!! ..... swoooooooooooosh ......

.... plippitty ... plippitty ... zzzzrrrmmmmllllllll .......

vu-voom, vu-voom ........ tap tap tap tap tap ....

cloppity-clip-clap ..... clap -- clap -- Cloop - BOINGG - bizz ....

..... WhoooA ..... ZZz Zooomm ....Z-Z Z-Zoom ....

SCREECH!!!!!!

Phew, sorry about that.
Yes, it was the wrong word, Blod



~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

......
.......

THE STARGOONS STRIKE BACK

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Act Daft, Scene But Nae Heard

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Quack, Quack .......

Scrambled egg, Neddy, old chap.

Quack, Quack .......

Two Lumps please, Neddy

Quack, Quack ........

Marmalade, this good morning, Nedd.

Quack, Quack ........

Neddy!!! Do you think you could shoo that Duck away?
It's hard for me to read your question cards with all that quacking going on.

Now, Nedd? Where was I, hmmmm?
My speech, before the House on Friday ...... excellent, Nedd.
What a profound memory you have.

Now, let me see .....

Ladies, Gentleman, and people who aren't sure,

We are gathered here today in this beautiful ampitheatre dedicated to the memory of Mr Ampi Theatre, Esq, of Blodnokville. Dedicated even before he passed away, in the hopes that he would pass away as quick as was gentlemanly possible.

And as I gaze around you all, I see one face.

It's you ............. Nedd ! My faithful speech-sign holder!

Friends !!!!!
Our country has come to a fine pass ....
The new bypass around the great Bloodnock Virtual Estate cost the taxpayers a massive amount. But what does cost matter ..... the Blodnok estate has a new 5-mile square outdoor Cocktail Bar, complete with multiphonic croquet lawn.

[Hold the cards steady, Neddy.
And Neddy: hold yourself steady - Neddy.]

A large container truck will now pass among you to collect donations.
Thanks to you all for coming. ...... Now, shooo.

Well, how's that Nedd? Will it rivet them?
You did buy the rivet gun didn't you, Nedd?

What a long piece of toast, Neddy!
I see the Moon has just come out.

That was a full day, Neddy-old-Bean, wasn't it.
I'll have to get up a little bit earlier tomorrow.
Wake me at 6.00 pm, Old Chap.

........................ Quack, Quack

Sooooooooo! It was you, Neddyyy!
You sub-normal, clever ventriloquist .... you!


END ~~ {Moonlight Serenade,

distorted with play speed variations}


~~ Bugles ~~



Next Immaterial Farce, coming soon: 'Punning Clans In Scootlund'
......

We have New Friends Down Here

We have New Friends Down Here
......................................

~~ Spike Milligan ~~

~~ Spike Milligan ~~
...................................
...................................

~ FRIENDS OF SPIKE ~

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